when marshall and i left the city life and moved to our new stomping grounds back here in cozy ole affton, i noticed something about a-town was not the same. ninja squirrels had invaded the area.
in a previous posting, i mentioned something about the squirrels around here and how they are not your typical acorn eating, bushy tailed rodents...but ninja-like. these pesky little rodents have been known to launch acorns at marshall and i while on walks and have now graduated to a new level. it just so happens that the little sons of biscuit bakers enjoy spending time not only romping from tree to tree, but nesting in my trailblazer as well.
surely you're thinking to yourself, "how does a squirrel manage to build a nest in a car?" well, i have news for you, it's possible and those little bugars are quite crafty. so grab your bowl of popcorn and enjoy the "tail" . . .
it all began a week ago last saturday. i went to leave for another exciting night at the office (or hell, either one works). my remote key entry to my trailblazer was not working. i thought grrr, perhaps i just needed a new battery; no big deal, i can hit up the hardware store sunday. so for the 1st time ever, i unlock my car with the key (can you say old school), fasten my seatbelt (safety 1st kids), try to start up my 2 ton killing machine (for those of you who remember crash course) and nothing happens.
now i'm starting to get pissy. i head back inside and grab shane...side note: shane and dave are my roommates. if i was more of a chronic poster, i could have spared you the note, but i'm not; therefore, you must deal. shane moved in back in early november and dave came in late december. we can dish more about them in due time...end side note. shane being the manly man that he is "assesses" the situation and thinks it's the battery, whatever, i don't care at this point. he gives me his keys and tells me just to take his car to work; finally, a boy who's good for something.
while at work, i finally manage to round up a pair of jumper cables. i call shane and let him know i have one of my drivers coming over to the house and for him to help my driver try to jump my beast. sadly, no dice. now i'm getting even more frustrated and who better to call and vent to when things aren't going right then dear old sissy, jamie. luckily for me, wonderful bro-in-law dave answers. being the super bro-in-law that he is, dave offers to pick up a battery, swing by my house and change the battery for me. literally, before i can even thank him, he's passed me off to jamie and he's out the door.
glad you got that bowl of popcorn, eh?
so now, about an hour has passed and i finally get a call from dave. what a surprise, it wasn't the battery. instead, he starts questioning me about any enemies i might have. surely i'm not the nicest person in the world, but enemies, i really don't warrant any, i think. then, like ben franklin discovering electricity for the 1st time, my light bulb illuminates...ninja squirrels!!
upon further investigation, dave finds numerous, we're talking in the ballpark of 15-20, wires gnawed to bits. it appears as though the undercarriage of of my trailblazer makes for a warm snuggly home for these bastardos. the ninjas have not only managed to sharpen their teeth retarded by chewing my wires to shreds, but have eaten away at my insulation on the dash and built a cozy nest by my firewall. seriously?? how does this freakingly awesome luck always manage to find me?
after composing himself from the obscene amount of laughter, dave believes that he can fix my "problem" and takes another trip to the auto parts store. a few hours pass and dave calls at 10pm with an update. the damage is quite extensive, but he is making significant progress; however, he's beginning to turn into a human popsicle, no doubt a tasty treat the squirrels would just gobble up. luckily for me, his neighbor, yet another dave, drives for a tow truck company and happens to be working the midnight shift that night. dave manages to get a hold of dave and has my baby towed out to his house where he can at least try to work on her in better light in the garage and with a little bit of heat.
by now, i've closed up shop, am home from work and am starting to unwind when my cellular means of communication rings at 3am. it's dave and his crazy butt has been working on my car all night long now and has the beautiful beast purring like the kitten she is. he said she'll be completely finished in the morning; he just needs to make one more trip to the auto parts store...what a super swell bro-in-law!!
i'm off to bed knowing my baby is in trusting hands and i'll have her growling down the mean streets of a-town come tomorrow morning. morning comes, i call jamie and dave to make sure the beast is ready for pick-up and hitch a ride out to imperial with shane...woo hoo, he helps save the day again.
i start my kitten up and she's purring like the day i 1st drove her off the lot, yippee!! we arrive back home around 1pm. come 3:45, i gather the trash and make my way out the front door, when dun-dun-dun...i see it with my own two eyeballs. right before me is one of satan's finest ninja squirrels, literally, 7-8 feet away from me, gathering supplies for none other than a new nest. i start freaking out. shane and dave come a-running. i tell them what i've seen. shane grabs my car keys. dave grabs marshall and announces to the squirrels that he's unleashing the hound...right, like my baby would hurt a fly; well, i there was that family of baby bunnies, but nonetheless.
i've been down this road before: no dice on the keyless remote, no dice on the ignition...we pop open the hood (at this point, i'm half expecting a squirrel to jump out at me and claw my eyes out for being a home wrecker) and surprise, nest city once again on top of more new chewed wires and almost all of the ones dave repaired the night before.
so now here i sit...11 days it's been since my car has been unable to blaze any trails. she's been at the dealership since tuesday of last week. i've called 3 times to check up on her and see what the doctor has to say. the last call was yesterday, "i'm sorry ms. morris, we're still estimating the damages and had to take more pictures for the insurance company today. we've never seen damage from squirrels at this caliber before."
luckily, my insurance is covering this whole debacle and i only have to pay my very low priced comprehensive deductible and 20% coverage of the rental; which i might add is a powder blue mazda 3...i feel like i'm driving around inside a smurf. why me?? anyway, check back later to see what's become of my beastly beauty.
